


If You Don't Know

by Cliffordiste (cliffordiste)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Muke - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-23 14:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6120065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffordiste/pseuds/Cliffordiste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael: hey luke [2:32 AM]</p><p>Michael: I love you [2:32 AM]</p><p>Luke almost dropped his phone when he read the text. He stopped brushing his teeth and stared at his screen for a good five minutes, trying to decide what to do and what this was. Was someone taking the piss? Had someone taken Michael's phone? Was Michael drunk? Was he drunk, was he dreaming? Or was this... real?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Want You to Want Me This Way

**Michael** : hey luke [2:32 AM]

**Michael** : I love you [2:32 AM]

Luke almost dropped his phone when he read the text. He stopped brushing his teeth and stared at his screen for a good five minutes, trying to decide what to do and what this was. Was someone taking the piss? Had someone taken Michael's phone? Was Michael drunk? Was _he_ drunk, was he dreaming? Or was this... real?

And how on earth was he going to respond?

He decided to play it safe.

**You** : Ok [2:38 AM]

**Michael** : I mean it Luke [2:38 AM]

**Michael** : don't be like that [2:38 AM]

**Michael** : I'm trying to be honest here [2:39 AM]

Luke bit his lip. Somehow it was very like Michael and very unlike Michael at the same time. Michael was impulsive and honest but he usually only sent crappy memes or bad jokes on his phone. But if it really was Michael sending these texts and if you he really did mean them, that meant that Luke didn't know his best friend so much after all.

He couldn't think clear. His heart was pounding in his chest, ready to jump out and surrender. He wanted it to be Michael so bad he couldn't trust his own judgement but this was an important choice. He wasn't worried about ruining a friendship, he knew Michael would be okay with it, he just didn't want other people knowing about it, it would break him. And then there was the band...

**You** : I'm confused [2:42 AM]

**Michael** : same [2:42 AM]

**Michael** : I just [2:42 AM]

**Michael** : I don't know [2:42 AM]

**Michael** : but I know that I fucking love you [2:42 AM]

**Michael** : for real [2:43 AM]

**Michael** : you give me a fucking hard-on every time you walk into the room [2:43 AM]

**Michael** : but I never had the guts to tell you [2:42 AM]

_Holy shit._ Luke's fingers trembled. _Holy shit_. Was this really happening?

His breaths came quickly and he felt dizzy. He had no idea what to do. Ever since he met Michael in Math class, he could never take his eyes off him. Sure, they hated each other for the first few months. Luke hated him because he was obnoxious and nerdy and mean to him and really, really cute. He'd hated feeling attracted to him but he hated not being able to be around him much more. And Michael hated him because... well, he didn't really know. Maybe the same reasons?

After being mean to each other and ignoring each other for a while, they somehow became friends. He couldn't remember how that happened. Maybe it had something to do with Calum. It became unthinkable for Luke to hate Michael. Yes, he was an idiot, he was actually kind of loud once you got to know him and he was always messing around but Luke loved that about him.

He felt safe with Michael. It gave him energy, unlike his old friendships that only cost him. They didn't have to do anything, they could just hang around and play videogames while Michael rambled on about nothing and Luke would interrupt him only to make stupid puns that Michael laughed at so hard he lost the game.

Michael gave him hope. He encouraged him. He made him feel alive.

When he figured out that knowing Michael meant loving Michael, his heart went cold for a while. He knew Michael didn't feel the same way- well, not knowing exactly, but he had a feeling. Even though they were close, Michael never showed any of the giddy being-in-love-behaviour he noticed with other people their age.

So he tried to stay away from him but it didn't work. He just ended up hurting Michael. "Was it something I did? Oh god, it was, wasn't it? I'm so sorry, Luke, I really am. Can I make this right? I really want to make this right, I miss you like crazy, man." Luke could still hear the words when he closed his eyes, he thought it was funny how Michael thought it was his fault but it also made him sad. Michael was perfect, he didn't do anything horribly wrong, he didn't deserve a friend abandoning him.

Luke gave in and promised himself to never leave Michael again. For Michael's sake. He wanted to be there for him. If Michael ever got tired of him, he would leave. Until then, Luke would stay.

Sometimes he was reluctant to show affection. He wasn't sure what was okay and what went too far. Michael didn't seem to have this problem, though, and Luke loved him for it.

They lived through some rough times together. They enjoyed life as friends. They drifted apart sometimes but they'd always grow closer again in the end.

They had become inseparable over the years.

And then they formed the band with Calum and Ashton and Luke knew they'd stay together for years to come. Creating music was one of the most important things in his life and he gave it his all.

On the tour bus and in the hotel rooms, the lines blurred. Seeing each other naked, sleeping in the same bed, being around each other every minute of the day.. it does something to you. It had its ups and downs. Although he preferred to share with Michael, sometimes he'd end up sharing with Calum or Ashton. Sometimes Luke needed his space (not that he had any with Calum), sometimes he was struggling with his hormones and didn't want Michael to see, and sometimes he'd just had enough of Michael for a while. But he would always come back.

He didn't see that change any time soon.

The band... Luke thought. He sighed. If he messed this up, he didn't know if the band would survive. He didn't want to put it at risk. It meant so much not only to Luke, but also to the other three. This wasn't his' to risk.

Or was it?

His thumb hovered over the keyboard when his phone buzzed again.

**Michael** : oh god do you hate me now? [2:50 AM]

**Michael** : I'm sorry [2:50 AM]

**Michael** : I get it [2:50 AM]

**Michael** : please don't ignore me [2:51 AM]

**Michael** : please [2:51 AM]

**You** : michael I could NEVER hate you [2:51 AM]

**You** : I think.. [2:52 AM]

**You** : I can't live without you mikey [2:52 AM]

**You** : you drive me crazy every day [2:53 AM]

**You** : you're an idiot with a beautiful heart and a radiant smile [2:53 AM]

**You** : and don't even get me started on that cute butt of yours [2:53 AM]

**You** : but we can't risk the band [2:53 AM]

**You** : can we? [2:54 AM]

Waiting for an answer, Luke started biting his lip again. His heart was pounding in his ears and his every nerve ending in his body tingled. His phone buzzed again and Luke took a deep breath before reading. He wasn't sure he wanted to know Michael's answer.

**Michael** : I don't want the band if I can't have you too [2:56 AM]

Luke's heart jumped. He felt like screaming and singing and running and punching a wall. The blood pulsed through his ears and fingers. There was a chance. There was an _actual_ chance.

**Luke** : if you come over tomorrow we can talk [2:57 AM]

**Luke** : and by tomorrow I mean later today since it's already late [2:57 AM]

**Michael** : ok [2:58 AM]

He hated to end it here but some things you just shouldn't discuss over the phone. Especially not if you wanted to kiss the living daylights out of the other person. He needed to see it in Michael's eyes to completely believe it.

For now, the hope in his heart was enough.

A thousand different scenarios ran through his mind as he tried to fall asleep, his phone quiet on the floor next to his bed. As he fell asleep, he continued to dream about Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry if this wasn't that good. I haven't written in ages and I'm just getting back into it.
> 
> This idea came to me when my dear friend Carly texted me something nice out of nowhere and it reminded me of one of those fics where.. well, you'll have to find out what happens, I suppose ;D
> 
> I think there might be two or three chapters after this.
> 
> Feedback is always welcome, whether it's positive or negative!


	2. And I Need You to Need Me to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Luke finds out why Michael sent those texts in the first place, he has a hard time dealing with it.

When he woke up the next morning, he only had to glance at his phone and everything came rushing back. Feeling positively giddy, Luke smiled and grabbed his phone, checking for texts.

There were none.

Not strange, given the fact that it was only 9.30 and they'd stayed up until 3 last night but Luke still felt a wave of disappointment crashing over him. Michael was probably still asleep, unlike Luke, who was already feeling refreshed and high on energy.

 

**You** : hey, what time were you coming round? [9:38 AM]

 

He jumped out of bed and made his way to the kitchen to make breakfast. Usually he hated starting the day on his own, it made him feel lonely. He was used to having breakfast with the lads and, even though he was almost always grumpy in the morning, he liked the company.

Today, however, he was too excited about what the day would bring and he made the biggest breakfast he'd had in months: fresh orangejuice, chocolate cornflakes, a vanilla muffin, a cup of coffee and an apple, whistling all the while.

He started with the muffin but soon found out that he was too nervous to eat, his throat was tight with nerves. Besides that, couldn't help but checking his phone every two to three minutes.

He had just began eating the cornflakes when he gave up on eating altogether. Putting down his spoon, he sighed and reached for his phone again; no response from Michael so far.

The food he hadn't managed to consume -which was most of it- was placed in the fridge.

 What was he going to do now?

Playing games on his phone soon became boring.

 

**You** : are you awake yet? [9:52 AM]

 

He felt stupid for sending so many messages but he couldn't help it. Planning ahead was something he liked to do and he wanted to know how much time he had before Michael came around.

Just in case Michael arrived early, Luke hopped in the shower so he'd at least be clean and fresh. He left his phone on the sink so he could reach for it from the shower if he needed to.

Luke shampooed his hair and soaped his body. He sang at the top of his lungs to Katy Perry and Green Day songs and he rapped parts of their own songs or belted out songs in jazzy tones. He heard his phone buzz and almost jumped out of his skin but when he checked, it was only Calum asking if he had plans for today. After a final jazz rendition of She's Kinda Hot, he toweled himself dry and replied to Calum.

 

**You** : you have horrible timing Cal [10:28 AM]

**You** : i'm waiting for an important text [10:28 AM]

**You** : & yes i have plans [10:28 AM]

**You** : maybe tomorrow? [10:28 AM]

**Calum** : sure [10:30 AM]

**Calum** : let me know whenever [10:30 AM]

 

He bit his lip and sent one more text to Michael.

 

**You** : how about now? [10:31 AM]

 

Then he grabbed his guitar and played a few songs. Then he played some FIFA until he realised it was boring to play alone. Then he stalked his twitter and facebook feeds. Then he turned on the TV.

 

* * *

 

**You** : wake up [11:17 AM]

 

**You** : dammit michael [11:42 AM]

 

**You** : if you've changed your mind it's okay [12:39 PM]

**You** : just let me know [12:40 PM]

**You** : we could talk another time [12:40 PM]

 

**You** : don't tell me you're STILL asleep  [12:57 PM]

 

**You** : okay I'm pretty sure you're just ignoring me rn [1:09 PM]

 

**You** : are you coming today or not? [1:46 PM]

 

**Michael** : sorry just woke up [2:15 PM]

 

**Michael** : I'm hungover as fuck [2:34 PM]

**Michael** : did we make plans [2:34 PM]

**Michael** : my phone says today is empty [2:35 PM]

 

Some time passed as the words sunk in and the air around him grew cold. Suddenly Luke found it hard to breathe. It took him every ounce of selfcontrol he could muster to not fling his phone to the other side of the room. Instead, he punched the wall until his hand went numb, a little bit of frustration leaving his body every time his knuckles hit the surface.

 "I can't believe I let this happen," he muttered to himself, resting his forehead against the cold surface of the wall.

 

**You** : nvm [2:38 PM]

**You** : enjoy your hangover [2:38 PM]

 

His fingers trembled with rage, it made it hard for him to type. He decided to leave it at this; no matter how much he hated Michael in this moment, he would never want to hurt him with words he could never take back.

 Apart from angry, he felt clueless He had never felt this mad, he had no idea how to handle it. The itching feeling in his hands urged him to throw stuff around but he couldn't afford to break anything that would feel good enough to break.

 Maybe he should visit Michael and punch him in the nose.

 That would make him feel better -although, he would have to explain himself afterwards and that wasn't something he was looking forward to.

 To give his hands something to do, he raked them through his hair repeatedly and walked up and down the room before slumping against the wall.

  _I should never have clung to false hope. I should've known something was up, I should've known it wasn't actually Michael yesterday. I should have never gotten my hopes up. I should never have liked him in the first place, I knew he was trouble._

 Nevertheless, he knew that he didn't love Michael any less, even now. He just hated him more. In his mind he could still see the sparkle in those bright green eyes, he could still see Michael flicking his tongue over his pink lips. He could still see the flushed, excited look on Michae's face after every show.

He could still feel the warmth of Michael's arms around him during the many embraces they'd shared. He could still feel the electrifying touch of Michael's fingers as he taught him to become a better guitar player.

In the back of his mind he could still hear Michael's raspy singing voice. He could still hear the soft sobs that sometimes left his mouth when he missed home. He could still hear Michael whispering dirty jokes in his ear during boring interviews. He could still hear Michael's laugh brightening up moods in proximity.

 He could still sense the slight shift in the atmosphere as soon as they were alone in the room. He could still sense that undeniable pull towards the turqoise-haired boy.

 But burned in his mind was that one text that made his heart crumble.

 He cried out.

 

* * *

 

**You** : hey cal [4:20 PM]

**You** : change of plans [4:20 PM]

**You** : wanna come over tonight? [4:20 PM]

**Calum** : sorry man [4:24 PM]

**Calum** : i'm out [4:24 PM]

**Calum** : unless it's urgent? [4:26 PM]

 

Luke's thumb hovered over the screen as he hesitated for a moment. Then he typed. The lies easily found their way onto the screen.

 

**You** : nah it's fine [4:28 PM]

**You** : have a good night [4:28 PM]

 

One half of Luke felt numb while the other half seemed to explode. His thoughts tore at eachother until he was positive he was going mad. He needed to talk to someone.

 

**You** : hey [4:32 PM]

**You** : wanna hang out? [4:32 PM]

**Ashton** : sure [4:34 PM]

**Ashton** : be there in in ten? [4:35 PM]

**You** : bring pizza [4:35 PM]

**Ashton** : make that thirty [4:36 PM]

 

Ashton arrived with two pizza boxes. "Why am I always the one getting pizza? I'm starting to think you can't affor-" Ashton's voice trailed off into silence as soon as he laid his eyes on Luke. "Holy crap, Luke. You look like shit," he said and stepped inside.

"Thanks," Luke muttered while he closed the door and wondered how his misery managed to show on the outside.

Ashton blinked and stared at him with a concerned look in his eyes. "Sorry, I mean, are you all right?"

Luke always hated how he couldn't escape Ashton's gaze. The moment they'd first met, he'd already felt like Ashton knew everything about him. Of course, Ashton didn't know everything -or so Luke hoped- but he picked up stuff quickly and seemed to understand things without exchanging words.

Maybe that's why Luke had turned to Calum in the first place.

"Yeah, fine," Luke shrugged, taking a quick peek at himself as he passed the mirror. He did look like shit. His eyes were dry and red-rimmed, his hair pointed in every possible direction and his skin was red in several places. Yikes.

Ashton dropped the pizza boxes on the table and made himself comfortable on the sofa, giving Luke a stern look as soon he'd put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Okay, I do feel as shit as I look, thanks for noticing," he said, quickly looking away from Ashton. "I don't want to talk about it," he added. His stomach growled. He had barely managed to shove something down his throat this morning and he hadn't eaten since; he was starving! "Pizza first."

A shrug from Ashton's shoulders meant he was okay with that. "I got pepperoni-"

"Shotgun the pepperoni!" Luke interrupted.

Ashton smirked. There was no use trying to fight Luke on this one and he knew it. "Fine, just hand me the shoarma pizza first."

Luke's eyes went big. "They have shoarma _pizza's_?" he asked incredulous, peeking into the cardboard box.

"Hmhm," Ashton's smirk grew. "Shame you called dibs on the pepperoni," he added with a sly wink.

They ate and Ashton rambled on, up until Luke had reached the second to last slice of his pizza.

"Wait up- Luke, you-" Ashton looked concerned. "Your hand, it's bleeding!"

Luke, having stopped mid-bite, followed his friend's gaze to his right hand. "Shit," he mumbled. He didn't know he'd punched the wall that hard. Surely he should've felt it?

Ashton had already taken away the slice Luke was holding and gently seized his hand.

"Hey, that's my p- oww!" The moment Ashton's fingers pressed softly on his skin, a jolt of pain rushed through Luke's veins. "Holy hell, that hurts, Ash. Stop it!" When he looked up to give the drummer an angry look, he was met by a pair of big, worried eyes.

"How the hell did you not know _this_?" Ashton nodded towards Luke's hand that now lay steadily in Ashton's firm one.

Big purple and blue bruises coloured the surface, his fingers were swollen and the skin on and around his knuckles was scraped off, leaving little cuts and patches of sensitive, pink skin. Until Ashton touched it, Luke hadn't felt anything. Now, sudden bursts of pain shot up his arm and made his eyes water. He wouldn't be surprised if one of his fingers was broken.

How _had_ he managed to overlook it? Was he going crazy?

Luke swallowed. He had no answer.

"Luke, you have to tell me what's going on," There was an urgency to Ashton's soft voice.

"I don't-" Tears stung in his eyes. "I have no idea, Ash, I really don't. I just-" He blinked rapidly, hoping to push the tears back behind his eyes. He felt powerless as he heard his voice becoming small. "I think made a mess of things. I don't know what happened," His throat tightened and he went to wipe away the tears before Ashton could see them. He hissed in pain before his hand even moved.

"Okay, calm down, Luke. It's all right." Ashton spoke softly and managed to do so without babying him -something Luke was eternally grateful for. "First things first: we have to get your hand fixed. No, wait. Scratch that. First things first: finish your pizza. _Then_ we'll get your hand fixed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, that was dramatic. Yes, I knew Michael was drunk when I started this fic. I'm sorry! I'll make it up to you soon.
> 
> This is only half of the 2nd chapter, I'll upload the rest later. It got a bit longer than I intended.
> 
> I genuinely hope you liked this chapter but again; feedback is always welcome! x


	3. Let's Forget the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashton bribes Luke into pouring his heart out with a cup of coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the chapter titles to something I thought was more fitting, just so you know.

 

"I broke my finger," Luke said as he came out of the doctor's office. He carefully showed off the splint tied to his finger. "It's a stable fracture so it'll heal. Apparently I'm not the first idiot to punch a wall and end up at the E.R.," he added.

Ashton surpressed a smile. "Seems you're not so special after all."

Luke shrugged but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Come on, I'll drive you home," Ashton put his hand on the small of Luke's back and guided him all the way to the car.

Suddenly, Luke felt grateful Calum already had other plans so he had to ask Ashton. No one was more caring than Ashton, and caring was just what he needed right now.

 

* * *

 

 

Ashton shoved a steaming cup of coffee over the table towards Luke and sat down opposite him with his own mug. "So, start talking."

"Uhm," Luke didn't know where to start. He stared at his hand; it was all cleaned up, a splint accompanied his middle finger and some bandages were wrapped around it. "How much time do you have?"

"For you," Ashton said, his face dead serious, "all the time in the world."

A warmth spread through Luke's body and it didn't originate from the mug in his hand. "Okay then, I'll try to make it as long as I can," he said, and smirked.

"So," he sighed, his smirk fading. "When I first met Michael, I hated him. He hated me, too. But somewhere deep down I felt drawn to him. He seemed ... interesting? It seemed like, if you were friends with him, he'd be the best friend you could possibly imagine. We hated each other, though, so I didn't dwell on that thought. I didn't see us becoming friends at any point in time.

"Fate decided otherwise. I don't even remember how it happened. We started to hang out a lot, often with Calum, too. We'd play videogames and he'd let me beat him every now and then so I wouldn't feel so bad about my shit skills. We'd play guitar and I'd teach him how to become a better player. Some nights we would watch entire seasons of a series, eating at least three bags of crisps and he'd do that thing you hate so much where he'd rub the crumbs off his fingers back into the bag.

"Michael and Calum were the best friends I ever had. They were the first friends of mine that ... matured with me -not that any of us are mature, I should probably use a different word," he bit his lip thoughtfully. "Aged. They were the first friends that _aged_ with me.

"We experienced new things together. Calum got a girlfriend and we were happy for him. I got a girlfriend and Michael was a dick to me for a solid week. He said it was because he liked that girl too but he was probably jealous because I spent less time with him. Having two friends partly replacing you for a girl at the same time is probably no fun though, so it was understandable. Michael came around after a while but always avoided the subject. He'd listen to me talk about my love life and he was curious about the stuff all boys are curious about, but he never asked and he never cared much about her.

"And, as I found out, did I. Whenever I was with her, I missed Michael. When a silence fell, I wished Michael would fill it up with a stupid pun or random scream. When we'd fight I wished Michael was there to back me up. When we'd kiss I wished, well," His heart pounded against his ribs violently. "I wondered what it would be like if it were Michael's lips instead of hers."

Luke carefully peeked up through his lashes. Ashton had an attentive look about him but his face showed mainly surprise and confusion. Maybe he didn't see through everything after all, like Luke thought he did.

"I ended it. It would've been unfair towards her to keep pretending. I didn't think too much of it, though. I told myself it was just plain curiousity. I subtly dropped the subject when we were talking during a sleepover once -I didn't mention any names, of couse- and Calum and Michael agreed with me: they sometimes wondered about boys, too. Michael seemed reluctant to talk about it but he had the least experience from all of us so I blamed it on embarrasment and ignorance.

"When Michael got his first girlfriend, I was determined to be cool about it and I think I managed all right -even when Michael bragged about touching her butt, though I did advise him to take it more slowly," Luke laughed, "I remember I was dying from jealousy on the inside, I wanted to touch someone else's butt, too.

"Michael soon fell out of love and we were both single again. Having had a taste of what it felt like to be in a relationship, we both missed it once it was over. At least, I know I did. Sometimes I'd jokingly suggest we should kiss eachother so we wouldn't get rusty -I know, I know, I was such a fucking cheeseball, no need to tell me.

"Michael didn't respond too well to that so after a while I stopped the joke. Maybe he didn't want to do anything so gay, I thought. That was when I started ignoring the pull in my chest I felt towards him.

"You've probably guessed it by now: yes, I've been in love with Michael since as long as I can remember, I just didn't know it yet. When I look back now it's all so obvious but back then I had no idea."

Luke paused for a moment. "Uhm, if this is- is this weird for you?" he stammered.

Ashton snapped out of listening mode and took a sip of his coffee. "A bit," he admitted. Seeing Luke's nervous expression, he added, "It's just that my memories are changing. Some things suddenly make sense now while others have become massive questionmarks." His brows knitted together in a thoughtful frown.

"Exactly," Luke said. "That's what it was like for me, too.

"I feel like I finally understand myself now, it's weird. At the time, I had no fucking clue what was going on. Maybe I didn't want to see? I think I refused to admit it until there was hope. Everything was decided subconsciously, I never really stopped to think about it.

"Untill the band took off, that is. I should've realised it before we started this stupid band anyway. It would've been easier then, I think. Even at the beginning of the band when we'd play every weekend and sleep in a hotelroom with our beds forming one big bed where we'd all bundle up together. It would've been okay if I'd realised then, I could've gotten over it and we could laugh about it later and write it off as one of those embarrassing teen crushes.

"But then we started touring big time on an actual bus and sometimes when everyone else was asleep, I could hear muffled sobs coming from Michael's bunk. He missed -and still does- home a lot. We all did, but I feel like it was extra hard on Michael. I'd climb into his bunk and wrap my arms around his waist and wait until he fell asleep with his face nuzzled up in my chest. Then I'd pry loose from him and quietly make my way over to my own bunk.

"One time I fell asleep with him and nobody seemed to notice or care the next morning, so I no longer bothered with going back to my own bunk after Michael fell asleep. On nights when he was all right, I lay awake in my own bunk until I finally fell asleep from utter exhaustion.

"The hotels where we were split up in twos were worse. As you know, Michael has no concept of privacy and walks around naked all the time. We all do, though I was reluctant at first. You all seemed so comfortable with yourselves, though, I slowly learned to walk around butt naked without shame.

"Michael was always messing around, tackle hugging me when he came right out of the shower, sneaking up to my bed and moterboating me when I tried to sleep. He never closed the bathroom door -whether he was pooping or showering, it was always open.

"The first time I caught him jerking off, I couldn't look him in the eye for a solid week and Michael thought it was hilarious and teased me about it for months. He didn't seem to think anything about my random hard-ons and I was grateful for it.

"But the thing is, whenever I shared a hotelroom with you or Cal or all three of you, you barely behaved any different from Michael -save from being a little more private at times."

Luke stopped for a moment because Ashton gave him a look.

"Just a little. I know Calum has had his moments too," He couldn't help but grin. "Anyhow, the point is, Michael has never been ashamed of himself so I could never figure out what he felt by looking at his behaviour. And being in a band is so different from being in any other group of friends, it's no use trying to talk to other people about it because they wouldn't understand. I suppose I could've talked to you-"

Ashton pouted. "I am hurt you never put your trust in me."

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?"

"Yeah, because I asked you. And, although I appreciate your sudden openness, I still have no idea what this has to do with you breaking your fucking finger." The crinkles around Ashton's eyes informed Luke he wasn't seriously mad about it.

"I'm getting there," Luke sputtered.

"Oh good. For a moment there I thought you were just sharing your tragic life story," Ashton laughed.

"Shut up, Ash," Luke grumbled, "Stop laughing at your own jokes, they're not as good as you think," he complained.

It only made Ashton laugh harder. Luke could feel a smile tug at the corners of his mouth but he was determined not to laugh.

"Oh please, they're fucking funny and everyone knows it," Ashton said, wiping at his eyes and letting out a final giggle. "But I'll leave the talking to you again, if you don't mind."

Luke huffed. "Not at all." He paused for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. "Where was I... Oh, yes. The band. Dammit Ash, now I'm out of it. Oh, right. I didn't know what to think of Michael so I decided not to think anything of him at all.

"Everyone seemed so comfortable and hands-on with eachother, Michael and I were no exception in my mind. I think I got kind of used to surpressing myself when I was around him. I think he has that effect on others sometimes. He doesn't do it on purpose but at times he can be a bit overwhelming, I just _let_ him wash over me. I don't know. As I said, I think I just ignored everything I felt because I knew there was no hope.

"And then last night -technically this morning- he sent me a text and told me he loved me. I know, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up in the first place," Luke said. He sighed and let his shoulders slump. "I suppose I'm just an idiot and my mind jumped to the conclusion it wanted to hear.

"I started thinking, what if all those glances and flirts we shared on stage meant something more to him? I started to see opportunities in all those memories. All these years I'd written them off as Michael being Michael but what if he meant it differently? I wanted it to be true so bad I pushed away any thought that said otherwise.

"On the other hand, I don't think it's entirely my fault. The way I would sometimes feel his gaze on me during songs, the way he'd bury his face in my shoulder during hugs and refuse to let go, or when he'd bitch on me during interviews or touch my hand ..." Luke stopped himself before it he couldn't control the words coming out of his mouth anymore.

"Anyways, anyone would think something was going on, right? And his texts sounded so genuine I completely believed him, so I told him we should meet today and talk about it."

Luke suddenly didn't feel like talking anymore. His gaze jumped from Ashton to the scene behind the window and he felt himself taking a deep breath, slowly breathing out through his nose.

Several moments passed in silence before Ashton's fingers softly touched Luke's. "It's all right, take your time. My coffee's still warm." Looking down at his mug, he realised that that was, in fact, an unintended lie. His cup was empty. "Oh, I suppose I'll get another. You want one too?"

Numbly, Luke shook his head. He had barely touched his drink.

Ashton got up and walked to the kitchen counter to refill his cup.

Luke felt more comfortable talking to Ashton's back rather than his face. "I told him we should talk about it in person and that we should meet today and he agreed."

He watched the muscles work beneath Ashton's shirt. Ashton turned around and walked over to the table. "Then what? Did he reject you, did he beat you up? Did _you_ beat _him_ up and break your finger on his cheekbones? What happened?" After sitting down, he pushed his glasses further up his nose.

"No, I told you: I punched a wall. Michael just didn't show up." Luke hated how miserable he sounded but he couldn't help it. "I waited and waited but he didn't show. Not that we'd set a time but he didn't respond to my texts either.

"When I finally got a text from him, it said he was horribly hungover and he asked me if we'd made plans for today or not." Desperation clawed at his throat again, making his voice quiver. "He didn't even remember lying his ass off last night," the sudden bitterness in his voice startled even himself. "I was so mad I swear I could've punched through the skeleton of this entire building."

Even though a serious concern darkened Ashton's eyes, his lips twisted into a small smile. "And that's where it went wrong, I'm guessing."

"It went wrong the moment I fucking met him, Ash," Luke grumbled. "Didn't you listen? I should've left him alone, I should never have stopped hating him." Luke tightened the fingers of his good hand around his mug until his knuckles turned white. "At least now I hate me, too," he said, grinding his teeth, his eyes set on the dark surface of the table. "I wish I could say that we at least got the band out of all this but to be honest, I don't know if I can still do that after this."

The silence that followed was painful. Anger boiled inside Luke and he almost forgot Ashton was still there.

Finally, Ashton heaved a sigh. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Luke. Mikey sent that text, not you."

That didn't really make Luke feel any better, though he appreciated the effort. "He didn't even seem drunk, you know. You'd think drunk texters would at least make a spelling mistake or two," he said half-heartedly.

"Michael's got a knack for it, apparently."

Luke snorted at that. "I'm guessing it was fucking autocorrect ruining my life again."

With a nod, Ashton agreed. "So," he said then, "what are you going to do now? I mean, I don't want to pressure you or anything but rehearsals start in a few days. Are you going to talk to Michael before that?"

That was the question Luke had dreaded most. "I don't know," he whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

Luke woke up from the shrill sound of the doorbell.

After telling Ashton everything, he had felt somewhat relieved but still wasn't sure how he was going to cope.

Ashton had stayed for a while and they'd attempted to just hang out for the rest of the evening but the atmosphere in the apartment remained heavy. At last, Luke was getting too tired and he sent Ashton home and went to bed. He fell asleep as soon as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Now a sharp ringing filled his ears. He groaned as he lifted his head to look at the time. It was 1 AM. He tried to continue sleeping but the sharp noise persisted.

With another groan, Luke swung his legs over the side of his bed and took a quick glance at his phone. Multiple texts and missed calls from Michael. He ignored them. _Probably just drunk texting again_ , he thought bitterly as he shuffled towards the door. He undid the locks and swung the door open, wondering who on earth had the nerve to wake him up at this ungodly hour.

As soon as he saw the black-clothed, fluffy-haired figure in his dooropening, his blood ran cold. 

"I read the texts."

It was Michael.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was later than planned, I got sidetracked writing another fic (yes, also Muke. Yes, the first chapter will be up soon). I'd already written most of this chapter, I only had to edit it and I didn't feel like it for a while. Plus I decided to write the ending before finishing this chapter because who needs order anyway? (;
> 
> Feedback is always greatly appreciated, let me know what you liked or didn't like so I can improve!
> 
> Also come find me on tumblr, I'm cliffordiste on there as well x


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